How to not get raped: A quick and easy guide for women.

Statutory warning: Don’t read the post if sarcasm is not your cup of tea. I don’t want to go to jail. Thank you.

What is it that Nirbhaya/ Damini/ Amanat/ the Delhi brave heart should’ve done to avoid getting raped? Who would want their daughters, their mothers, sisters, friends or any lady they know to meet such an end? Being a woman myself, I thought it’d be a noble gesture if I list down a set of rules or guidelines as to how they can avoid getting raped, more so I thought I should be a responsible citizen and spread the words of wisdom our leaders have been imparting.

Here’s how you can avoid getting raped:

1) So you’re likely to be raped if obviously for starters, you’re a Mahila and that too a Sundori mahila who is highly dented and painted. You are free to assume or find the exact interpretation of “dented and painted” for Abhijit Mukherjee has withdrawn his statement and rendered 'apoulogy'. So there, you’re likely to be raped if you’re attractive woman. Throw away all the cosmetics I say, you’d not want to entice a man by wearing your favorite lip gloss or mascara. That’s just promiscuous! Theek hai?

2) If you’re a man, don’t listen to Yo Yo Honey Singh. Worse. If you’re a woman, don’t be around a man who listens to Yo Yo Honey Singh. Boycott that New Years Party that has the artist performing or playing his music. You rather step out of the New Year venue, in the middle of the night surrounded by drunk and creepy looking men. At least that way you can be assured that you did your part by stepping out of the vicious, dangerous, menacing and highly provocative music of that Punjabi rapper whose videos have been getting a million hits on Youtube.  Theek hai?

3) Throw away that packet of Chowmein at your place and if you plan a trip to Haryana, you definitely don’t want to be caught eating Chowmein there. Ladies! Stop cooking Chowmein for the men of your house! You’d not want to arouse your brothers, fathers, husbands and uncles, would you? After all, a hormonal imbalance caused due to junk food, specifically chowmein is all it takes to let out the horny beast in a man and find his prey in every woman he passes by! Moral: Stop Chowmein, stop rape! Theek hai?

4) Stay in your limits, lady! And let Kailash Vijayvargiya decide those limits. If mythical Goddess Sita had to pay a price for crossing her limits or the supposed Laxman Rekha, don’t blame a man if he harms you since you clearly did not lock yourself in the house and wait for a man’s order to step out of the Laxman Rekha at your doorstep. Be what the society wants you to be to avoid getting raped, theek hai?

5) Starting living in Bharat and not in India and I shall get back to you when I’m able to decode the statement myself. Theek hai?

Moral: Everything irrelevant like Chowmein, Yo Yo Honey Singh and makeup are the reasons why women are raped. Theek hai?