Whatever happens, do not turn behind.

Heard this line before? Oh sure you have, unless you do not watch horror movies. So, Paranormal Activity 3 just released and one reason I'm really looking forward to it because of the way it's made (à la Blairwitch Project).I’m the kind of person who watches horror movies that would make you pee in your pants, trying to show off all the daredevilry and then clings to her Mom the entire night. But that's not the only thing horror movies have done to me, they taught me so much over the years. Oh wait, before you start getting all freaked out, my 'learning process' has nothing got to do with the psychos and ghosts from the movies. I'm a perfectly healthy and normal person to be with. There are these certain stereotypes associated with this entire genre of horror movies. You just have to see these things and you know that it’s nothing but a horror movie.

1. The actress who gets killed first ALWAYS has to be skimpily dressed. She’s either in a towel, or wearing a very skimpy nightie no girl in real life would wear unless she’s on her honeymoon.

2. According to horror movies, the only thing teenagers do is have sex and kill people on the roads. Then, traditionally the person they accidentally killed has to come back and haunt them as a revenge. And what about the sex? Well, our testosterone and estrogen driven teenagers NEED to have sex while they’re obviously unaware of the huge massacre going on. So, the guy gets killed first, the girl does some screaming business and before you know it, she gets killed too.

3. Everything happens at 3am! If you've watched ‘The Exorcist’ or ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’, you know why I say this.

4. There’s always a creepy little kid who does not usually speak and when he does, it’s always in a language you can’t comprehend. Till then, non-verbal gestures and awkward eye contacts do all the talking.

5. Ghosts are multi-lingual. That’s right! They cast spells or curse you in languages only they or the priest can understand. My take? Befriend them and learn new languages for free!

6. The kid in the movie ALWAYS has an ugly toy usually a doll or a joker who talks. And believe me, usually, it’s possessed. When I was a kid, my toys were never this creepy.

7. And we’re back to our not-so-innocent teenagers. The most common and done-to-death way of calling spirits? Planchit(Excuse me for the spelling if wrong) or the Ouija board. They have to do it in every freaking camp or an adventure trip. And I thought trekking and adventure sports were the deal.

8. Back home, in India, the biggest and probably the only makers of horror movies have been the Ramsay brothers(except Mukesh Bhatt and well, erm.. RGV).There’s always a deserted village with a bunch of tormented people which is visited by a group of ‘Shehri log’ and right after they reach their destination, there comes an old, feeble station master or a coolie(always played by the same guy) who asks the urban-ites to not venture into the haunted village or the ‘Haveli’.

9. Female ghosts are always good singers. They are always singing, looking for their lovers who were separated from them. They’re also well-accessorized (read Payal).

10. Whatever happens, the woman is ALWAYS the victim! She was either sexually abused or killed by her husband on her wedding night. Once she’s an ‘Aatma’ she starts looking for the man who had ruined her life and eventually kills him.

11. If there’s no ending a film maker can find for his horror movie, just make the lead actor say a holy chant or flash a sacred and holy locket and *BAM* you get rid of the ghost FOREVER. Couldn't you have done this before? What were you doing all this while running and screaming?!

So, as you see, making a horror movie is no rocket science. Find some scary looking people, too much white powder and any one of the above formulae as per your ‘creativity’. Your horror movie is ready! But remember, Whatever happens, DO NOT TURN BEHIND...